Tuesday, October 23, 2007

theres no more need to hide from all this pain inside

back from GENTING! start off with some of my photo takings. will update again soon.
*all are just flowers and scenery, my favourite kind of photo taking!


looks pretty cool, just how i like the picture to be. except the red lorry if you can spot it.




close up on the roses below. pretty cute, look like blossoms. my mama got pricked by the thorns when she plucked the rose. although its vandalism, who cares.






today was damm boring! it was so boring that i had a nap. now im starting to think that having a 3 days per week school isnt that great afterall. hope tomorrow not so boring. seriously, i dont know what to do now. maybe should start new anime, or try to watch some movies online. and hopefully they are available. sometimes its hard to find a movie i want to watch, which could actually load.

anyway first day of school, which was yesterday, was pretty okay that it was fun and time past rather quickly due to early dismissals. i noticed that all my lecturers are female, no more teachers' favourite class rep anymore i suppose. x) so on the other hand, first day of school was boring, or rather tiring. really felt like sleeping when the aunties yak yak (i really felt that way). kaisheng was late for 1hour 50minutes. partially my fault because i thought he was just joking about the call him and bluff him again thingy, LOL (last week i had to call him to wake him up with a bluff that ive reached school already). anyway almost everybody in my class are familiar people, so nothing much. dropped my Higher Engineering Mathematics subject already, no way am i staying in school until 8pm. so i emailed the lecturer in charge, and he replied me that he is collecting withdrawals, which somehow means he had already expecting people to withdraw. :s kind of weird, but whatever. my timetable will be back to 9 lessons in total only, yeahness.

after school, went home to rest awhile before going out. was going to meet leslie, and could have gone town to meet the rest too, but leslie didnt want so never go town in the end. leslie then said to meet at toa payoh's kfc there, so i walked there. upon reaching there, saw melvin chen because of his height and his new cute or weird haircut. then someone in front of him waved at me, and surprisingly was weiliang. get to talk a little bit before they walked off. after weixiong's call, some guy walked towards me.. and the horror began.

he thought i was Temasek Polytechnic year 2's meixiu. i got surprised, and felt damm awkward when he kept saying i was meixiu, that i went canoeing with him last month. then i said maybe i look like her, but i am not meixiu. he asked then who am i, so we exchanged name and shook hands, but ive forgotten his name. not interested anyway. nevertheless i thought he might go away after realising he got the wrong girl. instead, he started to talk to me. he said things like my eyebrown very cute, thick eyebrown means i am active, and that i should go wakeboarding with him next week. he was damm bo liao i can say.
he: wakeboarding can make your body ache real bad.
me: really? i didnt know.
he: no lah, just kidding.
he: but really, because the tension in pulling make until your arms can come out.
me: har, really meh?
he: no lah, just kidding haha.
he: the boat very fast ma, then wave very big. got people die after wakeboarding.
me: har, so kua zhang meh.
he: hahaha just kidding de lah.

the most horrible guy with the worst sense of humor ive ever met, so many "just kidding". i may be a sua gu and not wakeboard before, but he really talked too much nonsense. so he asked me what my course was, and i asked him what he work as because he was wearing quite formal with tie all those. he said he was doing property, so i thought he wanted to sell me something. i then asked him straight is it want sell me something (so he can just GO AWAY), but he said no and continued other topics. he asked why i didnt join Superstar, that i could be the thickest eyebrown Superstar (that was wicked). but when i said my friends everytime want me go trim my eyebrown, he said dont as they are cute and i look cute. then he said like, to curl my hair or even to straighten my hair to look better.

then FINALLY leslie called me, he missed me and walked further down away. i turned and saw the guy went to throw his drink, so i faster asked him to FASTER! COME FASTER, GOT GUY KEEP TALK TO ME. RUN! RUN COME! then later, the guy was like want to keep in contact with me even though i said i got boyfriend. i rejected then he asked why, and could do some water activities together (holy crap). i told him very weird and sudden, LOL. leslie came shortly and damm classic!
he: your friend arh?
me: yes, my boyfriend.
he: oh okay. send my regards to meixiu then.
(which is NO LINK)
then bye bye already, he walked away. somehow i felt this experience scary. all leslie's fault! walk past me, sure is see other girls. anyway normally if other guys approach me wont so scared, dont know why this guy made me feel damm scared. and the more im scared, the more i wont know what to do, i am like that. well i am also totally hopeless if someone touches me, because i wont scream or shout or even defend myself, and i whisper for help. LOL. i am seriously damm lousy for such matters.

everybody protect me please, thank you very much. x) oh after dinner, everything was so fun! we were at the peak of the carpark beside my house, sitting under the stars and doing things together.. LIKE completing a jigsaw puzzle and folding stars, simply wonderful until it started to rain of course. :) lublubx

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

youre in my heart now, and theres no escaping it for you

i have finally finished watching Blood+, all 50 episodes. :) i may gross out on real life blood, but cartoon blood is nothing. i did cry on many parts lol, not because i was scared of course, its damm touching. so overall its damm nice, i love the characters. i didnt watch the movie though, it looked weird.

during the afternoon, my supervisor said something like we could get a Donkey or C. well honestly, i dont really care what grades i get as long i pass. i only want to get this over and done with. most probably because im pretty unhappy during the whole project, so it doesnt matter really. nevertheless, judges or whoever should be fair and give grades accordingly. dont worry, my friend.

this friday morning i would be heading to Genting already, yes again. but this time is to celebrate my siblings' birthdays. my sister's birthday is on 20th while my brother's is on 21st. the trip wasnt extended because 22nd i will have to start school already, i cant possibly miss my first day of school.

yeah school! but i had an email saying i should prepare for a mathematics test which will be taken place during the FIRST lecture. somehow i had a thought, goodness felt like giving that subject up. but whats done is done, so i just have to do my best then. if you dont know whats this subject about, well the school invited me to take this Higher Engineering Mathematics, which is like University Mathematics standard and not everybody gets this opportunity. making a decision was so annoying that i just accepted the offer because of the fact that they looked up to me, like a favour back to them. maybe it isnt that bad, and anyway i could drop the subject during the first couple of weeks. because of this additional subject, im quite afraid i may not have any class same as a friend. it will be the first time i got seperated from my classmates, eeks.

well now i feel like saying about the day i went out with my friend, weiling. :) we went out on last last saturday. if you dont know, we used to be girlfriends. so anyway we met up at heeren for lunch first. i thought of having sakae sushi buffet, but they dont seem to have those on weekends. wonder is it i remembered wrongly, hmm. i want to go Sun Plaza at Sembawang where it has the biggest sakae sushi restaurant in Singapore (with kids corner, how cute). and also the new Icon Village at Tanjong Pagar, yeahness to new shopping mall!

anyhow, we went cineleisure food court to have our lunch then, plus deserts. the deserts looked so good on the picture, but the guy made them so disappointingly dull and plain. weiling said last time was a female who prepare the deserts thus looked nicer, maybe guys are not that attentive. x) besides that, their deserts have weird stuffs in them. you see nata de coco, you eat it, you wont know what nonsense is it. it tasted like Coke, then Pepsi, then like Sarsi. she only mentioned that they seemed to have diluted them in some syrup, and of course she found them weird. then something which they called katcham puteh and are dont know what kind of nut, tasted sour, sweet and somehow funny because eat already really can laugh. so after that we were so damm FULL. i think had nothing much to walk about, so we went e2max and had a chamber for 2 hours. and we changed room for like 3 times! their computers are so lousy! want to play Audition, "wrong version". want to play Battle.Net, cd key taken. or else will be HANG problems. i dont know why we still go there, maybe because of the atmosphere? hope they do something really, 4$ or 3.50$ an hour isnt cheap you know.

so after gaming, we went to look for alvin, david and their friends. yes weiling and alvin have been together for more than 5 years, how cool is that. :) alvin looked good in his formal (i like guys to wear formal casual), and somehow they never change. david was like "high 5!" when he saw us, we highed 5 back but damm bo liao actually.

then theres this thing.. everytime i meet someone related to vincent, they will surely say things like he still thinks of me, bla bla. i am a very realistic person, so i find them craps. if he really misses me, then he should be the one approaching me what. WHY SHOULD I SMS HIM? david said like "if he doesnt reply you, tell me. i will slap him and ask him pay you back 5cents". its hilarious! anyway hes such a coward, maybe thats why. serves him right that he cant find someone as good as me then. LOL :x

weiling was damm funny when she met alvin. she was like saying alvin with two girls, and was like hitting him with her mushroom handphone keychain. then said that later see the mushroom will do what to him. she is so damm damm cute! i dont care if you think im lesbian, but i really find her so lovely. probably the cutest and prettiest girl ive met, follow up by my other friends, then last is me. LOL. for that i dont really know whats ugly, i see everybody pretty normally. :s but ourselves always complain this body part and another. its almost as good as saying you find yourself ugly. but to others, you are lovely so its just what you think. just dont be lazy, do something like exercise! and i do admit, i am lazy.

anyway after that, we went to have dinner at Robinsons there. the lunch deal at some restaurant was pretty good, it looks delicious and the food is delicious. too bad i forgotten what name. and after dinner, we went Cuppage to have LAN DOTA as she wanted to. first we played 1v1 to train her then we 2 girls versus 3 other guys, and we sort of can say won them? because halfway through, we had to go home and we just quitted. i was happy that shes like the first person to concern about my well being and we took cab home as it was pretty late. :) and we were so frank towards each other the whole day, shared many stuffs, i like that. certainly a happy day, started with happiness, ended in happiness.

somehow i felt that i dont have any close friends anymore, except my boyfriend who has been always truthful and caring towards me, always giving in to me, always granting my wishes.. actually not always. :/ but at least he tries, and most importantly he is the only person to BE WITH me. i do have many friends, but most of us talk because of boredom, requests, outings, so on. there isnt much true quality of a friendship, because not all friends can do so. then again, i may be the one afraid to start opening up myself to others. well my close friends either had their own better way, or something (mostly bad) happened. but sometimes i think its ME who formed a wall between us. it may be due to busyness, or that sometimes i couldnt be bothered. im quite the sort that i think i have all the time in the world, thus placing behind what mattered more. i may be the one drifting away to think he has a better way thus he doesnt need me anymore. yes i think its like that.. sometimes need to be initiative because there is no loss when you initiate towards a friend. might even gain something back, like a friendship.

i think in this life, i only had 2 best girl friends. shuhua and weiling for they left me with a memory/story that i can never forget. i can never forget what ive done wrong to them. i may not be as sad now, but the situation cant be forgotten and regretted no matter how long it has been. hmm this may be stupid or what as it was the past, but i felt like saying these to them..

shuhua: we used to meet and go school together every morning during secondary 2. during one period, i pang sehed you without telling you. its not just one time, but continuously many times. im not sure if i ever told you the reason, but i felt that i did not. the reason was that i met vincent and got interested in him. and he took bus at a later time we were supposed to meet. i can say i was young and stupid and silly for doing such a foolish thing, and not telling you even you were my best friend. the day your sister told me about you cried all those, i cried on the bus while going school. i cant remember much after that, but i think we werent how we were anymore. i remember i wrote you a christmas card a few years ago. today i am still saying these.. well, i am truely regretful and sorry (maybe because we are friends far apart). hope you be happy and as lovely always!

weiling: although you still will find me to go out, i am sorry. sorry that i am bad enough to think you ask me out because you had no one else to. but you still find me, thats what matter isnt it? we used to always talk on the phone until late. until you started asking to borrow money. i rejected but you continued asking. and i avoided you. i was wrong, friends shouldnt avoid no matter what. i should stay by you and think of other solutions with you, i was a real bad friend. but you were so gullible, you thought that i was busy, that i couldnt answer your calls or smses. i felt really bad. and i could never know what happened during those years we didnt have contact. i used to cry on some nights. but at least now we are sort of together once again. no matter how busy you are or i am, i am glad we are still friends.

doesnt really matter if they read it or not. because they have their own better ways. :) you know.. even if its once in a lifetime, its enough. thnks fr th mmrs.

18 october
timetable is finally out this morning! quite happy my Higher Engineering Mathematics didnt screw up my timetable. instead, the subject is sort of like after school lessons. my timetable is great that tuesday and wednesday no school and everyday until 4pm only. the bad part will be that HEM is 6-8pm on monday and thursday, thats holy! i stay at toa payoh, not opposite school or something. i couldnt afford to stay back until 6pm and go for a 2-hour class until 8pm! i think i would die, even if i went for just one time! ive decided to drop the subject, its not really important for me as i dont think i CONFIRM will go into a university. even if i do, i will learn at the university then. overall still glad that i have classmates who were my classmates all along. :)

tomorrow morning i will be going Genting. last genting trip my father gave me 500+S$ (which was crazy), this time he gave me 1000RM. dont think will spend on anything much, nothing in mind to be bought anyway. hope everybody take care and enjoy your weekends (even if you are alone, just do something to make yourself happy). and hope when i come back, my stepping motor can move and my report completed in a jiffy and most importantly let judging be a past with hearts in satisfaction! anything leave a message to me, i may reply if i feel like it. LOL.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

as the sun rises, its like a smile to brighten your day

alone together in the darkness.
i learnt the meaning of your tears.
ive taken a step towards my destination.
but i dont want to hurt anyone.
today the wind that blows over the ocean.
once again heads unhesstatingly towards tomorrow.
so why cant my heart begin to move?

what destiny awaits me?
i dont want to regret being born.
there is courage with my sadness.
i believe i can grab that sparkle.
tears pour down from a clear blue sky.
someday they will change into a smile.


think i got depression once again. i feel like ending myself, i cry, i am an upset and angry person. always because of family, relationships, school and whatever nonsense. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, BUT I WOULD HAVE END IT IF THERE IS ONLY A NON PAINFUL WAY TO DIE. i too hum already.

13 october 2007
today i am still the same. it lasted for more than a week, and i have been at home since then (okay except tuesday, for i went school). well nobody could make me happy, or rather to make the good feeling last. late nights of crying and waking up only to realise i had only slept 2 or 4 hours. what should i do? i am so stubborn and felt like having my blood sucked clean by a vampire (oops watch too much Blood+ anime, okay the right word is LIFELESS). i have totally no interest in anything but to rot and continue rotting. okay rot in the sense i play battle.net and watch anime. it started when i was hopeless and yet he made me felt worst. i always cry badly whether in anger or upsetness regarding family issues. at that time, i wouldnt look or speak to my mother unnecessarily. of course now never like that, but i am still isolated by everything else. so i am my own enemy?

when you think positively, you will be optimistic and thus opens your heart. but when you think negatively, you will be pessimistic and thus closes your heart to everything else. its weird but true enough, thats why its you who decide how you want to feel. sometimes i think postively and be better and want to take some positive actions, but the negative thoughts seriously ruined everything. so am i stubborn or not? and do you call this living normally?

its also weird that psychologically: when your heart is empty, you feel heavy and very down to the pits. but when your heart is full, you will feel light and might even feel like flying.

okay 5 more days and i am out of Singapore. and ready to start a new semester. timetable not even out, hope i have someone to be with at least.

i cant blame you for being you. but you cant blame me for hating it.