as the sun rises, its like a smile to brighten your day

alone together in the darkness.
i learnt the meaning of your tears.
ive taken a step towards my destination.
but i dont want to hurt anyone.
today the wind that blows over the ocean.
once again heads unhesstatingly towards tomorrow.
so why cant my heart begin to move?

what destiny awaits me?
i dont want to regret being born.
there is courage with my sadness.
i believe i can grab that sparkle.
tears pour down from a clear blue sky.
someday they will change into a smile.

think i got depression once again. i feel like ending myself, i cry, i am an upset and angry person. always because of family, relationships, school and whatever nonsense. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, BUT I WOULD HAVE END IT IF THERE IS ONLY A NON PAINFUL WAY TO DIE. i too hum already.

13 october 2007
today i am still the same. it lasted for more than a week, and i have been at home since then (okay except tuesday, for i went school). well nobody could make me happy, or rather to make the good feeling last. late nights of crying and waking up only to realise i had only slept 2 or 4 hours. what should i do? i am so stubborn and felt like having my blood sucked clean by a vampire (oops watch too much Blood+ anime, okay the right word is LIFELESS). i have totally no interest in anything but to rot and continue rotting. okay rot in the sense i play battle.net and watch anime. it started when i was hopeless and yet he made me felt worst. i always cry badly whether in anger or upsetness regarding family issues. at that time, i wouldnt look or speak to my mother unnecessarily. of course now never like that, but i am still isolated by everything else. so i am my own enemy?

when you think positively, you will be optimistic and thus opens your heart. but when you think negatively, you will be pessimistic and thus closes your heart to everything else. its weird but true enough, thats why its you who decide how you want to feel. sometimes i think postively and be better and want to take some positive actions, but the negative thoughts seriously ruined everything. so am i stubborn or not? and do you call this living normally?

its also weird that psychologically: when your heart is empty, you feel heavy and very down to the pits. but when your heart is full, you will feel light and might even feel like flying.

okay 5 more days and i am out of Singapore. and ready to start a new semester. timetable not even out, hope i have someone to be with at least.

i cant blame you for being you. but you cant blame me for hating it.