would you be there to save my soul tonight

hello there, i am here to write something in my blog. notice ive changed my song to (one of the nicer) techno, hope it irritates you (especially to those who dont appreciate such genre) so you wont come visit my blog. muahaha.

my computer is pretty screwed up, want to play audition also hard. either the graphic card or motherboard is causing the problem. my friend suggested to me that i might as well save money get a new cpu. can be considered. my computer can suddenly cut off but the cpu and screen lights will still blink, weird huh. i quite dont dare tell my papa my computer is spoilt, because he had brought it to repair 2 times already. and he was never enthu about bringing my cpu to repair, too troublesome. so i scared scared. hope someone can come repair for me, or let my cpu heal if possible. MAY WHATEVER HEALING POWER FALL UPON YOU, DONT FAIL ME MY DEAR CPU.

another issue would be that the school sent me a letter to take up a special elective "Higher Engineering Mathematics". i was invited due to my "fine academic performance", dang the school wants to por me by praising me. as i was VERY (AND STILL) indecisive whether to take on this subject, i emailed the lecturer mentioned in the letter. gave him a whole bunge of questions, and he answered each and everyone of them with a :) oww. he said the subject is free as it is only for "deserving students like yourself" (poring again) and it would not affect my gpa (very hard to believe) though will be stated in result slip. when i asked if i could drop midway, he said we have 3 weeks to reconsider while taking the subject. so after that if drop will fail, still doesnt affect gpa? like xian only. my mama also said sure got reason why they will choose me and wants to por me. but i think, no harm trying for the 3 weeks? then again, my timetable will surely be different from my friends already. SO still couldnt make the right decision, boo.

enough of those. here are some (actually many) old random pictures plus those taken from the following activities. i just love photography. also admires trees and clouds and stars and moon plus sunrise/set. :)
saturday! harbourfront food court! fishing at labardor park!
sunday! swimming at toa payoh complex! square2 at novena!
monday! 17th monthsary! pirates of the carribean at bishan!
wednesday! bmtc at pulau tekong!


the sunset.


my childhood saxophone player idol.


tigger with a rabbit on its tail toy, so cute right.


im amazed how a piano key could work. and this is just one example.


someone's uncle's house, hope they dont sue me for posting this. its too amazing!


i siam from my friend.


the moon is appearing. a light in darkness.


di siaos.


plant with big red ant nest.


look like snakes, interesting plant.


jane, alan (dangerous spot), kaihong, terry, minghui.
poor alan had to keep helping us pull/break the string because the weight or hook always get stucked among the rocks. lucky those arent very expensive. thanks for your patience and teaching all us newbies too.


cute lighthouse. the scenery made me feel like in other country.


the flower of the weird plant. i like the cloud is so fluffy.


while practicing casting with a weight. caught something green.
oh notice the layer of rocks, thats why the cast kept get stuck.


can you spot a camouflaged lizard?


at night went jetty fish. didnt really capture the sunset.


a LOVELY cruise ship. think its the lights that is attractive.


perfect combination. pistachio + white chocolate. smart Meiji.


cutie. its face totally differ from normal hamster, more like mouse. i love it!


big fat lazy rabbit with a ball ball of grass.


yeah rabbits! brown! white! loop ears! yeah!


like sparkling sparkles on the surface of the sea.

other than photography, me love H-O-L-Y FOOD! now so damm in love with fried oyster, macdonald's teppanyaki burger plus seaweed shaker fries, tao kae noi crispy seaweed, sashimi, roti prata, teh tarik, dim sum, soya bean drink and the list goes on actually. me turning fat is a no wonder, even if i dont eat dinner at home anymore due to the tireness of da baoed food. i only eat when my mama got cook, else i will go home later so they wont suspect. but never eat then hungry still will eat a bit of junk what. eek! oh first time had RAMLY burger from the night market, its very awesome. beef patty plus cheese in between plus mayonise plus bbq sauce plus egg omelette, all layered in a burger. heavenly. never dared to eat night market food (adviced only to eat on first days) because of the oil and such, afraid they are dirty. wish i could have more next time, we will meet again, shall we?

army seems interesting. i wish to go more outward bound camps in the future, for the fun of it. i can endure leh, for that couple of days. but i dont think i could use the gun or kill. when i went fishing, my friends caught the fishes and put them in a plastic bag. the sight of seeing them cannot breath and going to die was terrible. like what the hell, killing it by torturing it. some of the fishes could survive pretty long, but they still die at the end. caught one fierce crab too, vomitted white foam and its dead. i didnt get to catch any fish, its good i guess. everytime i cast and then when i pull back, the bait will be gone. 3 times in a row, and its a sign? x) anyway dont think i will enjoy fishing if i need to torture it to death.

my computer so good to me today, never cut off. maybe its fine already..hope so!
find me in audition, especially if you are a novice. add me rIkku88ciA and its typed that way, do take note as the game is case sensitive. can play with me club dance or even couple dance or dynamic-4. really sad that the whole stretch of f keys on my keyboard spoilt, else i could choose partners during club dance. why the keyboard like that, only f keys spoilt? eww. tomorrow have event!
you can click the images to enlarge* just dont copy!

got caught up in a web and my heart is the prey

just so you know.

im the kind of person who, after i vent out i will change back to VERY normal just immediately. when i read back or think about it, i never thought whatever mean things i said will be necessary anymore. but since someone said before that what i said in the first place always are the true feelings, so i just let it be. want see, see noh see noh. like my friend said, angry can have the advantage to vent out on people what right? i so get that point you know. oops.

anyway its not like, i go school i see my friends who picked on me as enemies. i still play with them, chat with them, laugh with them, go have car rides with them, apparently what we usually do. im not a sadist. i wont suicide or whatever nonsense, 我很看得开的. i live for tomorrows. i value everybody in my life. even if i cant spread my wings wide enough to cover each and every person in my life, YOU SHOULD KNOW I VALUE YOU. and i care for you.

today is the 23rd, so i will give you 23 smiles. (imitate from 9pm channel 8 show)
:)
:)
:)
:)
:)
:)
:)
:)
:)
:)
:)
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:)
:)
:)
:)
:)
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:)

okay maybe some people will think im just talking nonsense? whatever.

anyway im so looking forward to saturday. going fishing with alan and company. will be the first time fishing and using a fishing rod (alan owns about 14 rods if i remember correctly). how exciting. last saturday actually going already, but more people will be going this coming saturday, so we postponed. yeah. and another event would be next wednesday. will be going pulau tekong for BMT 'excursion' with my friends, and some other school mates. so fun, can go off early and at least do something else instead of slacking in school. initially the lecturer asked one unit, so i thought i was the only girl who signed up. my friends even said i would motivate those army men and so on, quite funny. but in the end a lot other people are going too, so im not the only girl anymore. quite cool, my friends sure happy also.

looking for Tao Kae Noi seaweed in a packet, tempura flavour. if you spot it, please buy for me and i will pay you back or you tell me where the heck you found it. thank you. recently kaisheng kept buying those packetted seaweed, and it was the first time i tried those. the seaweeds are HOLY, so crispy so crunchy so tasty. no idea how they made those, but i do know how to eat them. i always shy to take more, so i rather buy myself. currently only want to try different flavours and choose my favourites. kaisheng only eats wasabi flavour, z.

pirates of the carribean - at world's end is coming so very soon!

ive given up, im sick of feeling

life is a wreck. i didnt sleep!
i have one word to say it all: SUCKS.
but at least there is pootpoot who is ben si ler to be with such a me. and not forgetting my close ones with minds alike. (:

you know. today i was in school playing daidee with my friends. i won many rounds, so they made me feel as if it was my fault to win. they changed the rule like cannot play 3 cards when they knew i had, even when one of them also had 3 of a kind. they said as if i was unwelcomed. play whatever games, my strategy is always dumb, so cannot play with me. i was poured water on the head later on. so to me, they acted like sore losers. but seriously, they have been picking on me ever since. i continued playing until i lost so i had to give out the cards. gave out 3 decks and i walked off, crying all the way to find my other friends. i didnt care who saw or looked at me or even recognise me. this isnt the first time i felt so sucky, being picked on. i wrote on the previous post before, now i write somemore.

to be picked on, say things to hurt me, but i know you never knew. if you dont like what i say, what i do, how i am. why not you have the guts to tell me "why the fuck you are born, you bitch" in my face huh? im not sure if you did it all for the fun of it or its just your life to be like that, your fun isnt my fun. and people tend to say or do things which they never knew they have hurted someone. even chinaik knew this isnt my first time crying. i was so getting stronger, but you have to hit the limit to make me cry all over again. seriously, what have i done to harm you guys to make you want to harm me? is it that because the way i play games and always have weird strategy to win? its not a problem that i dont ever play with you, i dont mind at all. and you naive mind, thinking when im angry i should tell you? its like you use a gun to kill me, and i have to tell you "im dead" when im already dead.

after that we were alright already, played games and i bloody scolded cheebye. really it was what the hell, it just came out so smoothly. the utterly shocked look on kaisheng's face was simply hilarious, but i was quite embarrassed also. didnt mean to scold vulgarity, because i shouldnt and wouldnt scold. the feeling was just down to the pits. but yes something was wrong, i kept laughing.

friends, you call them that because you value them. no matter what they did to you, someway will still be friends. if they arent your friends, no need label them as your friends. no need talk about them, because whats the point? you have no relationship with them. differentiate. you think some human beings have no feelings? maybe only you feel sad, happy, anger. people who are worthless or made mistakes dont have feelings then? some days you realise and learnt, so others couldnt do the same? i hate the word "put yourself in others' shoes" because ignorant people cant do it and couldnt care less. i dont bloody give a damm about those people either.

what i say could imply to some. you know, my friends, i dont want to be around anymore. the care and love you have for me, dont waste it on me. give it to someone else who might need it more. dont bother about me. im sorry that i couldnt care for everybody even if i want to. now there are too much nonsense, and i dont want happiness either. i dont see any difference anyway, im just one person. you may think its bullshit, but im serious because im very unstable now. farewell.

bleed it out, digging deeper just to throw it away

i dreamed i was missing
you were so scared
but no one would listen
cause no one else cared

after my dreaming
i woke with this fear
what am i leaving
when i am done here

so if you're asking me i want you to know

when my time comes
forget the wrong that i've done
help me leave behind some reason to be missed
and don't resent me
and when you're feeling empty
keep me in your memory
leave out all the rest
leave out all the rest

don't be afraid
of taking my beatings
of shit behind me

i'm strong on the surface
not all the way through
i've never been perfect
but neither have you

so if you're asking me i want you to know

when my time comes
forget the wrong that i've done
help me leave behind some reason to be missed
and don't resent me
and when you're feeling empty
keep me in your memory
leave out all the rest
leave out all the rest

forgetting
all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well
pretending
someone else can come and save me from myself
i can't be who you are

when my time comes
forget the wrong that i've done
help me leave behind some reason to be missed
and don't resent me
and when you're feeling empty
keep me in your memory
leave out all the rest
leave out all the rest

forgetting
all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well
pretending
someone else can come and save me from myself
i can't be who you are
i can't be who you are

today my school has the annual charity "carnival" where every class in tp has a booth and sell something. my class didnt have a booth this year (for my first time not organising something for that carnival) as we are having our "attachment" so we joined the roaming crowds. it was very packed, but there seemed to be lesser booths than previous years. usually the whole engine school or IT school would have booths until the end of the blocks, now its reduced by half. there was a booth selling sapphire and winter hamsters. they were inside two sort of fish tanks and they were all running around like mad, like mice scattering about. no idea why they acted that way, but it was damm cute that they were so active. and there was another booth selling terrapins, the terrapins have claws so they were climbing up the styrofoam, damm cute. another booth was giving away heart shaped balloons in exchange of a donation. as the balloons have helium in them, and helium will make one's voice cute after inhaling, the guys took some balloons to play with. kaisheng was the first to try, he was then shivering after he inhaled the helium. at first thought he was scared or what, but he didnt notice himself shivering either. scary, not sure if its life threatening or not, but should be not a problem. i think we got to know about it after watching jackie wu's monkey god show, they had to inhale helium and introduce themselves in cute voices. right here in singapore, i think its really damm funny to hear those cute alien voiced guys.. scolding vulgarities.

turn up the volume, could be quite soft.

movies i want to watch:
Pirates of the Carribean - At World's End
Shrek the Third
Ocean's Thirteen
notice that all these upcoming movies including Spider-Man 3 are all of part 3. must watch, i did follow up with all the sequels. :) cant wait, my favourites.
Fido
not sure if Singapore has this movie.

cute guys!:
owen wilson (actor with poot mouth)
ronaldo (brazilian soccer player with gapped teeth)
gerard way (singer of my chemical romance)
pete wentz (bass guitarist of fall out boy)

admired works:
philip ridley (writer)
tim burton (movie maker)
vinnie veritas (flash animator)

my list is lack of a motorcyclist, lol hopefully one day i will find one. will load pictures soon, lazy currently.
LAZY!

the way you shine in the starry skies

im sorry that i didnt take care of this cute hamster. look at him, sitting on his butt with legs laid out, so cute!

he has gone missing since today. he could have squeezed himself out of the hole with the bottle at the top of the cage, as the hole was bigger than the bottle so there is a small gap. no idea where he gone to, could have suicided out of the balcony through the gap. he was still there around 2am, so could have escaped while we were all sleeping. regards :(


my sister and me, took after i took the hamster's picture two days ago.

saturday went vivo city with leslie, my purpose was actually to eat the beef cheese fried at Super Dog. in the end we couldnt find Super Dog, because i remembered its place wrongly. i thought its beside Carl's Jr, but i remember now that its opposite Candy Empire. wasted! ate at Food Republic and i really love that place, the theme there is the past. the chinese would wear straw hats and everything is made of wood. the bad thing was that there are few seats, we stood pretty long waiting for just two seats for us. some people like to take away the empty chairs, some people like to be protective about their "territories". sometimes really picture like an animal kingdom, wild animals guarding their territories, and will do anything to feed themselves plus their kids. oh well, after that i ate mee goreng and it was a mountain. but very spicy, so i couldnt really eat. i love teh tarek and i also had 咸煎饼 and 马花煎 (♥butterfly), but the salted bun wasnt that nice. pictures will say the story for the day.


lovely, no i meant the background. x)


they are a way of life.


absorbent and yellow and pourous is he.


if nautical nonsense be something you wish.


he said i look like showgirl.


pig business.


my ho peng you always.


samurai and the fun sword (got sound when hit).


imitating with "sword" and "gun".


he is such a poot poot.


i geik that smile lol.

weekends are like the time for me to breath, like a getaway. have to enjoy, go out, everything, just have to. i dont think i wish to stuff myself with chocolates or junks anymore, i have fats! if i have more fats, i couldnt have nice bod anymore. x) nah, i will just keep squeezing my fats to show people and complain. i do am stronger, than yesterday. only treat nice to those who treat you nice, like a reward or exchange. you could treat the person nice first, and you could have a nice friend. but if what that person return is hell, stop immediately, its not worth it. though i can be nonchalent or rebellious, i am still a nice person.

oh my neighbour one day talked to me, she asked me how old am i. i said i am 19 for the first time, usually i would say 18. and she said "不像嘞，像小孩子", not sure if it was a compliment or insult. but im quite happy. x)

i cant help that everybody can see these scars

all of us beleive
that this is not up to you
the fact of the matter is
that it's up to me

how can we fake this anymore
turn our backs away, and chose to just ignore
some say it's ignorance
it makes me feel some innocence
it takes away a part of me
but i won't let go

tell me why can't you see, it's not the way
when we all fall down, it will be too late
why is there no reason we can't change
when we all fall down, who will take the blame
what will it take

nothing could ever be this real
a life unsatisfied that i could never feel
some say this future's not so bright
some can't make the sacrifice
it's much more than just black and white
and i won't follow

tell me why can't you see, it's not the way
when we all fall down, it will be too late
why is there no reason we can't change
when we all fall down, who will take the blame
what will it take

times like these i've come to see how
everything but time is running out

what
all of us beleive in what we need
what we have's what we don't see

tell me why can't you see, it's not the way
when we all fall down, it will be too late
why is there no reason we can't change
when we all fall down, who will take the blame
what will it take

tell me why can't you see, it's not the way
(so how long, has this gone on, i don't see this ending)
when we all fall down, it will be too late
(it's too late, we can't change, what has now begun)
why is there no reason we can't change
(we act like, its not right, why are we pretending)
when we all fall down, who will take the blame
(we've been wrong, for so long)
what will it take
(we've known this all along)

talking about emo, i do am emo now. but i dont usually show, i edit my self pictures to emo pictures and listen to rock songs with those meaningful lyrics. i am and will be brave, nonchalent and i dont give a bloody damm about what others think. i eat chocolate or even other kind of junks every day, to maintain my feelings a bit. :) today i had macdonald's strawberry sundae, didnt have that for years. yesterday had cadbury booz, the day before had wang wang 黑白配 chocolate sticks, also very long didnt eat that. weekdays are pretty sucky actually, but ive look everything very light heartedly. i dont want to be sour, cry and feel like giving up anymore, i want to live my life the way it is.

now isnt really schooling, its paying school fees to build a sort of submarine for a company (but they have 10k$ for us). we are creating a new one for the company, everything we have to calculate and call suppliers. sometimes i dont understand many things because of mechanics, its too dull and difficult for me. i do am keen to learn, but theres always not enough information for me, i am better with mathematics not theory. thought of approaching the supervisor or the company man privately to understand more. so im the leader of the team, but i dont wish to be as i dont know many things and i will never force others even if i need to push. moreover i have problems with my team. we do have our own lab, but usually its so hot that we walk around and even to our friends' lab. air con spoilt what, really feel that this "attachment" system really sucks. what suck more is four guy friends everytime pick on me to mock, tease, insult which actually hurt, and they wont listen to me. they are like mean people who dont think about others, its probably their way of living to pick on someone to laugh about. so what if what i say are all dumb, have dumb habits, have dumb thoughts and ideas, have dumb ways of living my life. do you think i care? im not immature and im not that weak (anymore). whats good or bad i know it myself, need not others to judge. i listen to you, you laugh, i smile, everything is fine with me. you think i will scare of you and what you do? i only think you are crazy, yet harmless. maybe you made me not wanting to join you that often anymore. i rather do whats more important and needed, everytime i walk back by myself to do work while you play, i know nobody will listen or bother anyway. i would rather end this project early and have a long holiday than to stay in school for more days of sufferings. currently im also like the secretary who pick up calls and give calls plus sending emails to suppliers. when calling the lecturer, my teammates always dial the number at the school's loudspeaker phone and then run away giggling, leaving me standing there with no idea whats the big deal about calling.

even if whoever come across to read this blog entry, i wouldnt care. my friends everytime enjoy talking bad about others and thinking everything else is stupid anyway. i am just like them, talking bad about people. they are still my friends, i could treat them well. but sometimes, i couldnt bother to talk anything. anyway none of them listens to me, only sometimes my good friend would talk to me. he also changed a bit, having more physical contacts like messing up my hair, punching my cheeks. he also like has two sides, sometimes he sees things positively, but he could see the same things negatively with the rest. dont know if he notice, it is really weird. overall i dont have anything against you guys, i let you be. i wouldnt care and i just want to get this over with. im saying these just for ranting.

oh well, life isnt all about fun and games. i thought you will never make me cry again.